to sivart

On 22 Jan 2016, at 11:24, aliaL <@me.com> wrote:

I am Laila.
It was September 2013.
I have started a new life.
I’ve separated from husband and I have decorated and moved into my own new room.
I am minding my own business and recovering from a deep and long depression.
I’ve changed. I’m getting to feel better again.
Then I see a message in my inbox and it says that I am cute. He looks cute too.
I reply, something.., and we don’t stop talking until it is June 2014. We talk all day and all night, eastern & western hemispheres.
Then, suddenly I find myself driving down to the city to face fate.
4 hours, by myself, driving without an official license in a country I am not from.
I am not excited. I am not happy.
If fate indeed is guiding me, why can’t I stop telling myself to fucken stop worrying, that I am completely going to hate him, and myself, and all will be demolished in a few hours.
I stop my car infront of the Grand Hotel, and the valet sweeps her away.
I guess that I am stupid. Because it cost me 4000 kroner for parking. or was it 2000.
The room is too small.
I know this is not going how it should be going.
Nothing feels right.
What is wrong.
I let myself have a private moment, and take a timeout from reality. I fill the huge bath and force myself to calm down and relax.
On top of everything, I have my period.
I know that this costly endeavor is not meant to be.
But faith helps me shush it away. And then I find myself outside the airport, standing still, drinking starbucks and smoking.
It was one of those moments when I knew that after a few minutes, everything will change. My life will change. I will change.
Present moment, and all the recent yesterdays, will become a chapter in the past, soon.
I was terrified. There are no alignments, there are no signs. I am on my own. Destiny is not cheering.
It’s somewhere else and far away.
I was wishing I was home. Not involved in my life.
The longest minute of life was so boring.
And inside the airport, the first passengers are already walking out. Where is he.
What will I do when I see him?
How will I handle it if he turns out to be- well, not him.

There! Oh no.. I see him.
My hearts drops and dies between my feet. His suitcase is so big.
Who does he think he is.
I don’t know him.
I step on my heart and walk to meet him.
I wish I was dead,
I fake it. I lie. I break my truth streak.
I don’t even know him. I can’t do it.
I don’t want to drive away anywhere with him.
I refuse to go on with my life, and I collapse entirely.
I overwhelm my whole being with the real emotion I feel. I accept defeat.
I cannot trust my own self.
That’s the learnt lesson.
And I really do not have any fucks to give to anyone. They’ll think, ‘Aw, lovers reunited’ so I let myself cry. I let myself really cry.
I cry on his lap and let the anguish rule me. My life as I knew it is over.
I hate who I am.
I can’t believe I Was wrong.
I was right. I knew that it’s broken or not right all along.
I did my best to fall in love with him through the last ten months. It wasn’t working.
And he knew it because I kept telling him.

Once upon a time, there were 10 months worth of a story between twin flames. Signs, and all. Not all of them lived happily after. She’s doing fine.