01 April, 2016

letter from sivart

July 30, 2015

Dearest L,

    Good evening (morning). I just downloaded this 'Lettrs' app, which you should try out with me; might be a little fun.
  
  It's currently 8:54am in California. The skies are clear and blue and birds are chirping away over the faint sounds of automobiles on the roads. I spot one tiny puff of cloud; I wonder what he's doing up there all alone.

    Today there's an apparent chance of thunderstorms, although by the looks of it so far it seems unlikely. The sun is dispersing it's light through a tree in the backyard as I sit in this plastic chair trying to get my brain to function. It sounds like there is rolling thunder muffled in the distance, but I'm wondering how. It's so clear out I can almost make out the blocky structures of Amman from here - but that's just the dream state still  trailing off in my mind.
    I wonder what Petra looks like at sunrise. 

   I also wonder if you had an ok day. Was it commonplace and filled with errands and meals and chit chat? Did you help Julie get along through the adult world of things too tall to reach and roads to busy to cross? Did I cross your mind at least once? 
Did that spacecraft come for you  alone last night? - Perhaps. 
  
  I'm about to get my ass out of this chair and into the seat of my car. I'm going to drive towards the beach and get some coffee or tea. Not a lot planned for today. I'm fatigued over nothing. 

   I very much miss your presence. I feel handicapped and vacant. It's almost like you're the only other one of my species and I'm a castaway in some American jungle full of hypnotized half-wits. 
    Nonsense I tell you.
Yours relentlessly, 

TDK. 

    

affliction




to sivart

On 22 Jan 2016, at 11:24, aliaL <@me.com> wrote:
I am Laila.
It was September 2013.
I have started a new life.
I’ve separated from husband and I have decorated and moved into my own new room.
I am minding my own business and recovering from a deep and long depression.
I’ve changed. I’m getting to feel better again.
Then I see a message in my inbox and it says that I am cute. He looks cute too.
I reply, something.., and we don’t stop talking until it is June 2014. We talk all day and all night, eastern & western hemispheres.
Then, suddenly I find myself driving down to the city to face fate.
4 hours, by myself, driving without an official license in a country I am not from.
I am not excited. I am not happy.
If fate indeed is guiding me, why can’t I stop telling myself to fucken stop worrying, that I am completely going to hate him, and myself, and all will be demolished in a few hours.
I stop my car infront of the Grand Hotel, and the valet sweeps her away.
I guess that I am stupid. Because it cost me 4000 kroner for parking. or was it 2000.
The room is too small.
I know this is not going how it should be going.
Nothing feels right.
What is wrong.
I let myself have a private moment, and take a timeout from reality. I fill the huge bath and force myself to calm down and relax.
On top of everything, I have my period.
I know that this costly endeavor is not meant to be.
But faith helps me shush it away. And then I find myself outside the airport, standing still, drinking starbucks and smoking.
It was one of those moments when I knew that after a few minutes, everything will change. My life will change. I will change.
Present moment, and all the recent yesterdays, will become a chapter in the past, soon.
I was terrified. There are no alignments, there are no signs. I am on my own. Destiny is not cheering.
It’s somewhere else and far away.
I was wishing I was home. Not involved in my life.
The longest minute of life was so boring.
And inside the airport, the first passengers are already walking out. Where is he.
What will I do when I see him?
How will I handle it if he turns out to be- well, not him.
There! Oh no.. I see him.
My hearts drops and dies between my feet. His suitcase is so big.
Who does he think he is.
I don’t know him.
I step on my heart and walk to meet him.
I wish I was dead,
I fake it. I lie. I break my truth streak.
I don’t even know him. I can’t do it.
I don’t want to drive away anywhere with him.
I refuse to go on with my life, and I collapse entirely.
I overwhelm my whole being with the real emotion I feel. I accept defeat.
I cannot trust my own self.
That’s the learnt lesson.
And I really do not have any fucks to give to anyone. They’ll think, ‘Aw, lovers reunited’ so I let myself cry. I let myself really cry.
I cry on his lap and let the anguish rule me. My life as I knew it is over.
I hate who I am.
I can’t believe I Was wrong.
I was right. I knew that it’s broken or not right all along.
I did my best to fall in love with him through the last ten months. It wasn’t working.
And he knew it because I kept telling him.
Once upon a time, there were 10 months worth of a story between twin flames. Signs, and all. Not all of them lived happily after. She’s doing fine.

to alial

On 22 Jan 2016, at 11:24, Sivart <@gmail.com> wrote:
So it’s 2013 and I’m fairly happily involved with someone. We get along well. We don’t succumb to serious drama.
Then I message Laila. I tell her she’s cute.
Laila says, “I love you so much” in one of the third or fourth messages. I served. We volley. She spikes an “I love you so much.” And I love her so much for it.
Laila is a lot like me, in very particular and unique ways; ways no one else has ever fit before. – It’s almost strange.
It IS strange.
Laila has my lamp. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen another one and will most likely ever see again said lamp.
lulu moon lampLulu’s on the fucken moon.
Laila and I like each other.
I like Laila. I really do.
I never thought I’d find her but I do. We find each other.
Before long we understand we’ve known each other before. Long before, for a long, long time.
Laila and I are not stupid.
We know what we’re talking about.
I, nor my lovely newfound friend Laila don’t fantasize things. We corroborate information.
We observe, we analyze, we cross-reference.
We are not psychically or spiritually impaired.
We know what we’re talking about.
This is immense in your hearts as well as our minds. There really isn’t much doubt.
We don’t find twin flames around every corner.
Not at all.
So this is us…now……over a long distance at our keyboards and
screens.
screens.
Frankly, I am in love already with Laila.
I think Laila is in love with me.
We hear one another’s thoughts; we incidentally have what are no longer coincidences after the umpteenth time.
We are always opening the app at the same time; we are on the same wavelength, quite literally.
I’m amazed.
I’m relieved.
I’m in shock.
But I’m not surprised – I’ve known all along.
Laila too.
She’s the one but I’m confused.
It’s all so confusing….so….
Much.
I’m head over heels.
I pack up and I head out.
I fly to Sweden.
My girlfriend is gone. In basically one fell swoop, musical chairs change.
I’m on way to see Laila after much ado about something.
(These days it’s much ado about nothing.)
I meet Laila. I’m beside myself.
Laila is beautiful. Laila is….Laila. My soulmate.
I had all but given up on soulmates.
I kiss Laila.
I’m stunned. Out of my body. Agog.
We drive away.
Then we’re in bed. I adore her.
She’s bleeding all over the place.
The sheets are ruined.
Why should I have cared? Why did I give it any thought?
What was I thinking anyhow?
Am I her twin to her? Is she really mine?
I don’t remember.
And besides, I’ve never seen this body she now inhabits….this face. But she’s familiar. She reminds me of myself.
She’s beautiful.
I’m tired. I’m delirious and belly-aching from the longest plane ride of my fettered life.
She’s menstruating.
I’m cramping.
We seem to both be trying; not doing.
Laila tells me to just finish.
She says I’ve had a long plane ride.
Things get strange. Thoughts invade a space they don’t belong, by both of us.
Perhaps it’s me.
Maybe it’s her.
Maybe it’s both of us.
The mood darkens.
We walk and she stops.
Laila is not happy.
I’m not me.
She’s not her.
Fuck.
But I love her.
I’m confused.
So confused has my life been I don’t even know if I’m confused. THAT’S utter confusion.
But…
I’m sad.
She’s sad.
She’s mad. I’m mad.
My twin!
I can’t think straight.
I can’t feel straight!
Suddenly I’m on the other side of the world; top of that planet,
my life instantly altered entirely.
I left everything and everyone behind.
Why?
Because I love Laila. She’s her.
She’s my twin.
I don’t fuck around when it comes to that.
I would have created one in my mind long ago, or a handful in my mind.
No.
It’s Laila.
I wouldn’t have left it all behind otherwise.
Stockholm is cold and deserted and neither of us have a sense of
direction.
direction.
Didn’t matter…..but it did.

04 August, 2014

By Sivart 

From a camp outside city walls
Stars blink twice
This swollen night 
Between two rocks 
One ash
One fire
We conspire undercover
Lovers of another time
Fighters for our lives
Ground leveled 
Disheveled evermore
You're the one from so many
The fragile child
Strongest of all 
Like wildfire
Beauty without limits
I'm in love with your sky
Two stars are there tonight 
One is gold
One is white
Two lights glimmering hope
Outside these city walls
We call on the help 
Fell to the heap
Keep my secret in your heart
Because you are
Real life
Remember we heal
Together 
Weathering all storms
Formed from within
We mustn't go without
It's all about us
Every story that ever was
Tells tales we once spun
Open ending
When two become one
We are the sun
The moon
And the doom of the city walls.




Journal circa 2008?

 

 

 

 

-
Extravagance on the lam,

w/ gaudy flaunts of decadence,

Preening outside the story,

And inside the lie.

Finery tasting the ineffable,

Engulfing the snare,

At a moment’s notice,

This Executive Decision.

 

 

 

-
Today I awoke to hapless bird calls.

I wondered why so edgy, so flighty,

Those twitching uneasy birds.

 

Did I oversleep? Delirium?

Delusion? Dream? Nightmare?

It was Wednesday.

Things were clearing up,

Becoming focused,

Gravity ruled,

Ground was solid,

The wind still blew,

Birds still flew…

 

As I drove I wondered

Where did last night go?

Things were a blur,

Short memory fell away

Like passing road signs.

I rolled down the window,

Dried clammy hands in the air,

Someone thought I waved…

 

I gazed for a moment

On a fixed point

Neither here,

Nor there.

I sighed…

No reply.

I’m in the thick of it,

Metal and glass,

Rubber and plastic,

A panorama of estrangement

Spread out before me.

 

An abyss of blank thoughts,

Hot dead air.

Destination draws a blank.

I couldn’t even remember

Where I came from,

Nor where I was going.

Total collapse of cognition.

Brain firing blanks

At my nervous system,

Whilst the entire system

Outside was nervous,

Spuratic and frantic.

 

The windshield frame

Bordered around scenery,

As a pretty picture of chaos

in cheap love with itself…

Officially lost in this labyrinth

Of black asphalt.

At it’s boiling point

All bubbled little spaces

Of our own.

 

The timeline was a dot, a single point,

From which atop I sat,

Confined to this present moment.

An empty seat beside me,

Cracked vinyl,

Haunting upholstery,

Phantom imprint.

 

Long moment of ambiguity,

Mystery behind the wheel,

Steering w/out navigating,

Behind a thousand layers of silence

I can hear your distant voice,

In a past hiding in the future.

 

Fatigued psyche, o’ brave soul

Exctract and review,

Under my microscope.

 

Headlights obscure my vision,

Somewhere on the outskirts,

Soft edges of another world,

Brushing against this space

In between.

 

Not an inkling of memory,

Nor figment of imagination,

Only stations of static

Coming through the radio.

 

 

 

Do you take this to have and to hold,

To soothe, distemper, lull, ease, lighten, uplift,

Inspire, motivate, entrance, envelope, bless, purify,

Modify, alter, teach, enlighten, remind, decorate, adorn,

Adjust, suggest, clarify, tune, hone, polish, cleanse,

Enrich, balance, nurture, maintain, evolve, expand,

Mystify, surprise, glorify, astound, astonish, amaze, baffle, challenge, stimulate, extrapolate, extract, unearth,

Reveal, honor, adore, confide, entrust, depend, rely, retreat, conspire, infuse, unite, complete, compliment,

Color, beautify, preserve, guard, justify, embellish, perfect, anoint, commemorate, congratulate, bestow, dedicate, co-sign, substitute, represent, tempt, coax, urge, compel, heed, listen, teach, learn, submit, dominate, lead, follow, entertain, satisfy, satiate, content, mediate, align, adjoin, sort out, tidy up, reassemble, fix, improve, idealize, experiment, attempt, test, instigate, insinuate, strengthen, brace, embrace, supervise, orchestrate, govern, mandate, regulate, advise, counsel, warn, alert, advert,….

 

 

 

 

 

There we were again, laughing painfully at the most absurd excuse for a human habitat we could ever dream nightmares of; the divine comedy, the tragic affair; angels wedding devils and beauty taken by the beast. Then the sad laughter subsided and the grim reality pulled up a chair in the bar. The air makes for short breath and the lighting recalls dark places. Those that have rolled their eyes too many times are going blind. Foresight is spiteful and pessimistic and dim. Such grandeur publicity stunts. The ultimate extreme sport arena, a breeding ground for oblivion. Mills of depravity and exploitation. Seeing double. Swerving, faultering, teetering on the brink, disoriented, obscured, desensitized, stupefied, and falling, falling down. Recklessness in full-effect.

 

 

Serenity is all the rage.

 

 

Twilight lighting slips through,

Fire falls from the blue,

Traffic lights in a trance,

We think the moon has a chance.

 

 

Cheerful bravado

 

Whirlwind of a day

 

You were a scream

 

Critically acclaimed

 

Filling me full of hot air

 

 

 

Applause for your stand-up performance,

Warn us next time you plan an antic,

Devise a schematic,

Employ the dramatics,

Or anything theatric.

 

 

Today the sun rose and a rooster crowed as a lawn was mowed while the water flowed, and I made a little paper boat and watched it float away with a grin. I thought about the moon when the day would come to an end, whereupon I would grow fangs, lose my mind, and embrace the sin.

 

 

I REMEMBER WHEN YOUR HEART WAS ALIVE,

AND THEN THE CURTAIN CLOSED,

YOU TOOK A BOW, TURNED STONE STATUE, AND POSED.

 

 

Butterfly in a battlefield.

 

 

 

Hats off to the population under control and inside of the illusion. Bravo to the society plagued with commercials, bad advice, and outright demands. Pat yourselves on the backs, dear friends of hoax and con, lie and deceit, and the demise you shall come to meet. Do take a fanciful, graceless bow, ungrateful ones..


Sivart

The blackened brilliance,
The burnt out star,
Far is the space between, 
You and I again, 
Celestial question marks, 
Orbiting a circuit, 
I'm sure of it, 
This fate without purpose, 
Makes us both nervous, 
Serves us both right, 
Go fly a kite on fire,
Admiring high places, 
Makes for sheer wonder, 
Why are we asunder, 
Borne of space dust,
Sure of emptiness, 
Kiss me in the void,
Asteroids collide, 
Fastened to your side, 
The tides ebb and flow, 
This moment on the go,
So full of yesterdays,
Holding hostage the clock,
Tick and talk,
Jargon of the gods, 
Starlight in your eyes, 
Broad focus under a guise, 
Surprise surprise,
I've devised it to absorb light, 
Right where it's all wrong, 
Sound that spawns life, 
From the bride of my climb,
It's another blatant sign, 
Under the spell of time.

Sivart
An angle in your face will change...
and everything will get bent out of shape.

 I note the discrepancy, and it reflects back twice distorted. 

Things in mirror are closer than they appear. 

All senses are heightened in your presence. A scratch is a cut, a touch is an embrace.

 So when one subtlety changes in your face, the whole sky turns. Here...all the clouds make rain. 

      It should be an Eden but, alas, we blunder. It loops dark circles 'round our eyes. We're  just trying to see straight.  

We wait on the other, voiding out the exchange.

I succumb to play upon the stage in the heat of a blinding spotlight. 

You're off to the side, biding your time while hiding in the dark right behind the glass. 

We both bark stark raving mad at the sad moon and rat it out to the sun. 

It's no fun when one little butterfly makes a subtle motion 
and an oceanic flood ensues. 

I just want to love you. Then I don't ...but I can't stop.  As if to truly quit. 

This is it,  it seems. 

Sivart

03 October, 2013

My Ineffable Emotion

Where do I start...           start with my heart,
Without stopping            without stopping....
To kiss you.                        ..if only
I love you                            one & only..
Like wildfire.                   set this world ablaze..
                                  

I might think                                    
I was making it up
If it weren't for
Your entirety.
I cannot fathom
The depths
Of your recognition
Resurrected.
sweet heart,
i miss 
knowing.. all your secrets.

i listen, .. 
...there is no 
incoming.

nothing at all to hear.

our words, 
the only gift-- we can afford.
never hold it back 
on me, 
and my share-- 
i dare 
to doubt..
and it rises up
and pulls me down
and i don't believe you anymore

Sweethearts
Since the dawn
Of time
Of space
Of oceanic solution.
Here we are....
Found again.
Astonished.

how..to be loved by you
to be close.. 
close enough to feel, 
your fire,
giving it unto me..
slow,
but deep..

bury us deep..
let me hide inside...


Lights at night
What's it like
Watching us writhe
Down here apart
While you zip across
Strangers  on high
Family from the stars
Lift us up
Because we are.



I am dreaming
This is a dream 
Life.. You are the illusion ..
Tell me now
How can I be asleep 
If I am already dreaming

Tell me why
Still 
I yearn 
for my bed 
Every night's end,

To sleep..
Perchance to dream
..
Quest to find 
the dreams within each other 
Waking moments
Scattered like rain over the Nile 
Stingyly   



l


01 October, 2013

other too

About the others,
Do they know?
Have they felt?
Are they real?

....i think of them
and wish
the same for them
as i wish for us


.......forever falling, from under to above




touch me right now...



Brushing hair aside


...touch me again

Lightly across your neck

hear me..
 breath for you..
listen..

touch me once again
Feel me upon you
Sweeping your expanse
Undone
Frozen in warm time
i feel you..
on me.. 
i feel,
how you heal me..
my love,...i'm dying of thirst..
please.. please, touch me again..

Wrapping around your anatomy
Quivers grasp
At whatever can hold
Between the sheet folds
Rolled up around you 
my body, your universe-
express your deepest secrets
on my forever burning skin
with your lips..
mmm... i can feel it..
we can recreate our gods-
with your fingertips..
touch me.
deeper now my love,


Truth bursting through you 
Breathing hot spells 
Fell to the floor 
fell & falling still from under to above
almost there my love







Omg wtf

i miss singing on the edge of a nebula
hear the music echo
come back to me
I remember wings on the edge of your shoulders
See the sky follow
Come back to me
we are forever separating from each other
the space between us is a lie
come back to me 
Lost in space


Afloat in your presence
Early thirties
Finally arrived
lost in a brilliant lie
you and i
is this the middle of the tale
or are we reaching an end

i want to begin with you, again

I love you
Where ever
Did you come from? 
i love you..
where ever did you go?
you belong to me
& i am from you


We must be out of our minds
Into our hearts
Back to our senses
Full circle 
why else would your words
shift me like this..
shake my entire world
like that..
we must be out of our minds
& our minds must be out of us
Life deprivation 
Love cloud-hidden
Whereabouts unknown
Until now 
god, the existential frustration..
i seek your peace and love
my twin flame, my mate
you are my eternal intention
i wither as i wait
How is it so?
So much
Mine
Yours
Ours



i don't know...
























28 September, 2013

Saturday On Earth



You, me, and the time zones in between, 
Walls of woods,
A spilling ocean 
Chemical clouds,
Broken roads
Build with me an astral highway 
Meet me halfway 
I'll meet you any way
Love enhanced
Take me dancing 
Under different stars
Nevermind I'm tomorrow 
And you are last night 
Out of sight
But not mind
In this heart


what should we plan,
if planning is all we can
do for now
until the sun sets one last time

Maybe a rendezvous 
Unmasked
Taken to flight
To a different sun
unmasked.. 
stripped to the core
a me- half empty
a you- half overwhelming
where is home?


Somewhere over a rainbow
Where skies are purple
Boy & Girl
Swirling 
Up the spiral
you are inside my mind
you see what i see
your familiarity confuses me
calms me 
Be my tomorrow
Today
I have not forgotten
Are you remembering
The dream?
my love,
it went something like this
different names 
faces
different place

Twin souls, Singular Goal-----lost text....................................................

From a camp outside city walls
Stars blink twice
This night 
Between two rocks 
One ash
One fire
i am the ash
you are the fire
the stars blink once 
for me
once 
for you
we take the call